Grades Don’t Buy Happiness

Young women hold in their hands literally a world of colorful possibilities, perhaps unprecedented, for exciting, one-of-a-kind lives.

But how many of your friends do you see moving in that direction? How about you? Why do we throw away the opportunity for remarkable lives?

There are lots of reasons to choose to play it safe – to choose to be a zoo assistant instead of an oceanographer, a day care teacher instead of a psychologist, a follower instead of a leader. Part of it is the subtle message, conveyed more to girls than to boys, not to dream too big.

But I find with many women that another huge part of it is that we’re not taught how to take on and walk through tough challenges. Couple that with the clamor for a 4.0, and you’ll witness stretch goals being replaced with sure things.

It used to be that the pressure for grades began at age six. That was the point at which the educational system warped children’s natural curiosity, their desire to learn and grow, into a means of judging them. Exit the joy – especially for kids who pick up academics more slowly (or more quickly) than the pace designated by their teachers. How quickly a child can move from “Life is fascinating!” to “I’m not good enough.” But even for those who fly through their classes, “being smart” and pleasing authority figures often become inexorably connected to the belief in their own value.

And that was then. Now it begins at age three or earlier. A client recently told me about her search for a preschool for her three-year-old daughter. She was interviewed by the preschool (not the reverse) and her daughter was screened according to her knowledge of letters, numbers and colors. Now this mom is worried that her vivacious little girl is inadequate. I firmly disagreed with her conclusion and explained that from my perspective, those schools had done her a huge favor. Screening three-year-olds by their “book learning” is a red flag that screams, “Find another school!”

School – whether preschool, elementary, high school or college – should be about building a person’s capacity to live a fulfilling, productive life. With that as a measure, success cannot be adequately assessed by tests and grades alone, if indeed at all.

What does it take to succeed, that is, to go after what you want in life and joyfully reel it in?

By definition, it would begin by being able to state a goal. It would move on to being able to see how to achieve it, break it down into steps. It would involve taking your dreams seriously and committing to them. It would require the strength of self and resilience to cope with a learning curve of multiple trials and multiple errors without losing self-esteem. You’d have to be able to risk failure and learn how to teach yourself and be able to feel joy in your achievements. You’d need to get clear about your values and continue to strive for accomplishments that are consistent with them.

You’d have to be able to organize, prioritize, plan and manage time. But really, unless entry into a program of study required it, you might never need an “A”. In fact, students who easily achieve A’s often lack the strength to hang in there when faced with a challenge in which they can’t immediately succeed. Being brilliant is a “nice to have”; being able to persist when solving a problem takes time, when you don’t know the answers and they’re not easily found – that’s not nice to have. No, that’s the sine qua non of long-term success in life. Life, after all, is an ongoing series of challenges – relationship challenges, educational challenges; career and financial challenges, health challenges, parenting challenges – and the answers come through blood, sweat and tears.

I’d better clarify.

I’m not advocating for schools to stop giving grades, and I’m certainly not on a campaign against brilliance. I love brilliance! How amazing to watch people immersed in doing the things they’re gifted at! We need all the brilliance we can find to address the difficult issues of our times.

What I am saying is that grades are nothing but a tool to rate progress. What matters when it comes to building a life is having the tools and developing the inner strength to make progress.

Because just as real learning rather than good grades equals an education, being able to go after your dreams, not playing it safe, is the design for a fulfilling life.