Navigating your relationship with your parents as you move into adult independence and responsibility can be hard for you and hard for them.
You can count on five things as you begin to strike out on your own. If you’re in conflict with your parents, chances are one or more of these factors is in play.
- People grow and change. High school and college add up to an accelerated course in becoming independent. You’re changing all the time, taking on new challenges and seeking the freedom of being an adult. Plants reach for the sky — and so are you.
- Human beings have an innate desire to be free and whole. That’s healthy; that’s the way it’s supposed to be. And as tough as that can be on parents, believe me, they really don’t want you to stay home and remain dependent.
- Parents have a deep desire for their kids to be whole, happy, safe and successful. That’s why it’s so hard to let go! Until they’re confident that you’ll be safe and successful, they’ll stay closely involved. Even though that’s protective, it can feel intrusive.
- Relationships need to evolve as the people in them grow, change and become more (or less) independent. When a relationship doesn’t morph along with the people in it, they feel angry and resentful.
- Change is a challenge. The truth is, most people would rather keep things the way they are than go through all the discomfort and risk involved in change. You might feel that fighting and frustration seem more appealing than jumping into the unknown. (I promise you, there’s something better if you’re willing to figure it out.)
So, it’s a given that as you get older your relationship with your parents has to change. The key is devising a win-win approach that builds their confidence in your ability to keep yourself safe and manage your responsibilities and, in turn, increases the scope of your independence.
Coaching can be a big help in finding the way through conflicts. It puts a layer between parent and young adult, and allows you to demonstrate your capacity for independence without being “micromanaged”. It’s a win-win — you get the independence you really need; and your parents get the checks and balances they need to know that you’re okay.
It’s not for everyone, though. Here’s what it takes to use coaching as a springboard to independence:
- You’re ready to own your own successes — and mistakes.
- You’re willing to be realistic about safety.
- You’d rather handle responsibilities on your own than have someone looking over your shoulder and reminding you about what you need to do.
- You’re beginning to realize that it’s your life and you want to make it spectacular.
So how does it work?
We start out with a conversation. If it will by helpful to you, that conversation can be with you and your parents together.
Then we pull out the tool box and figure out what tools will help you get where you want to go — and, at the same time, provide your parents the data they need to fulfill their responsibilities to you.
Two tools that we use are the Success Map and the Up Next List.
Your Success Map is a document that you create. Your goals; your definition of success. It includes what in business are sometimes called “key indicators”. Those are measures that let you know whether you’re on track. You can share these with your parents at intervals that you agree on.
The Up Next List is just the best organizational tool ever. It helps you put into words everything you’re working on — and then creates for you a list of what you need to do this week.
I’ll walk you through using these tools in the next two posts. If you have questions, send me an email and I’ll help you get started.
